Lately I feel like I have been driving the wrong way down a one way street. And every time I try to turn around, I end up getting stuck, and my only option is to keep driving the wrong way.
For those who have read my last couple blog posts, you know that I stopped working over a month ago. My depression forced me to resign from my job as my doctor put me on an indefinite leave of absence.
Since then my world has been very muddled. I have been dealing with numerous emotions, but mostly have just felt completely lost.
I’ve accepted that I can’t work full time and can’t have what many would perceive to be a normal job/career.
I’ve accepted that going on disability may be my best option at this point. Although filling out that application was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
But the question that is torturing me, keeping me awake at night, keeps running through my head. What now?
Everyone needs to feel like they have a purpose in life. And everyone’s purpose is different. We were all made to do something specific. For some, it is being a parent and raising good kids. For some it is the job they do. For some it is travelling and doing mission work. For some it is finding ways to cure and/or treat devastating illnesses.
Right now I feel like I have no purpose. No one needs me. I don’t have kids to take care of, or even a pet to look after. I’m not working so there is no one depending on me to do a job.
Last week I spent 3 full days in bed. There wasn’t a reason for me to get up. My depression took hold of me and imprisoned me in bed, unable to face the day.
If I have a reason to get up in the morning, like an appointment or baby-sitting my niece and nephew, I can do it.
It’s those days where nothing is planned and no one needs me that are challenging. I have to find ways to fill my day. Which I am doing little by little.
But I feel useless.
I am working on healing and getting stronger every day, and that is important. But then I question what I am gaining strength for. I can’t work, and I have no one to take care of. So I’ll regain my strength and get healthy again….but for what?
I know that I have a purpose.
I am not despairing over not having one because I trust there is a plan for me. As I look back over my life I can see that plan working, how things happened and fell into place. There is no doubt in my mind that I am here for a reason. All that I’ve been through. All that I have survived. It can’t be for nothing.
My struggle is that I don’t know yet what that purpose is. I don’t know which way to step, which path to take.
I have some thoughts, some ideas of what I’m meant to do, where I am meant to go. But at the moment that’s all they are. Thoughts and ideas.
It’s scary. I always saw my life going in a certain direction. Now all that I knew and all that I planned has been uprooted and taken away.
But I still have hope, and I still have faith.
I know I am here for a reason, just like everyone else is. And I recognize that even once I find that reason, it will likely change over the years.
And as I work towards filling my days with something meaningful, and taking steps in the direction of my purpose, I will focus on the hope.
Hope for tomorrow and hope for my future.
And I will celebrate the little things I am achieving each day as I fight to get healthy.