Last week was rough. My depression hit and beat me down. It was bad and left me weak and bruised. But as I always do, I got back up and fought.
It wasn’t a surprise hit. I had felt it coming for a little over a week. I readied myself for battle, took precautions and did all the right things to keep it from making contact. I told a friend what happening and asked for prayer, I got up and went to work every day, I kept myself busy and tried not to be alone, I did my best to eat well, and I kept exercising.
But this disease is harsh, fierce and unbelievably cruel, so even though I took all the necessary steps to defend myself, it managed to take me down. The climax was one horrific night of tears, anxiety and zero sleep.
I’ve realized over the years of dealing with depression that sometimes the best way of getting through is to just allow myself to take the beating and feel what I need to feel. So that is what I did that night. The next morning I saw my counsellor and once again started the journey to recover.
One of the worst things about depression is how alone it makes you feel. It creates an unbearable isolation that is difficult to break free of.
In the midst of my struggle and feelings of loneliness last week, I had a dream that brought such comfort and peace.
Dreams can be quite interesting. Sometimes they make no sense at all. But sometimes, like the one I had, they can be beautiful reminders at just the right moment.
I dreamt that I was writing songs for Taylor Swift (yes, I know that’s crazy), and I was writing a song called ‘Never Alone’. It started out as a song about being with your soulmate, but as I continued to write in the dream, it became about something completely different.
It became a song about God, and how because of Him, I am never alone. It illustrated how He is always there and will never leave me.
I awoke from that dream feeling protected and loved. It was a reminder that I desperately needed. That it doesn’t matter how bad my depression gets or how physically isolated I feel, I am never alone. He stands beside me, holding my hand, feeling all of my pain, fighting my illness with me.
A few days after that dream, I had another reminder that God is always with me. After my grandfather passed in July, we had bookmarks made with his picture and a Bible verse on the front, and his obituary on the back. That day, as I opened the current book I am reading, I stopped to look at the bookmark, and I read the verse below Papa’s picture.
“And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:20
I am never alone. God is always with me. My Papa took a moment to remind me of that from heaven.
This life is not easy. We live in a broken world that is filled with sorrow and pain.
But every moment of pain we feel, He feels too.
Every moment of sorrow, He cries with us.
And because of Him, we have love. Our world may be filled with hurt, but it is also filled with love.
His love that will shine through each of us if we allow it to.
His love that will make us feel whole again.
His love that will strengthen us.
We are never alone.
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